Rock-Bottom Loser Entertaining Offers From Several Religions

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FINDLAY, OH—Local resident Owen Pritchard's recent downward spiral into drug addiction, unemployment, and complete and utter hopelessness has sparked the intense interest of several top world religions, each of which is vying for his services as a devotee, the 39-year-old uncommitted prospective convert reported Monday.

Some top faiths have noticed Pritchard's ability to plummet to the very depths of depravity.

After declaring his intention to drink himself into oblivion two months ago, Pritchard received pamphlets, letters, and VHS tapes from various religions, all urging him to join their faith. Most deals reportedly guarantee a lifetime of salvation, with additional incentives such as entrance into paradise, the promise of a new and better life, and the ineffable reward of union with a supreme deity.

Pritchard has been showered with gifts as the religious institutions attempt to curry favor and sway his decision. He has received a free Book Of Mormon from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a 2008 wall calendar from the Christians, and was even visited at his home by two representatives from the Jehovah's Witnesses, which Pritchard said was flattering, but "came off as a little too desperate.

 

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Kanye's in debt? Make a gospel album. Too yeezy.

Go agnostic: keeps your options open.

Go with the one that promises the best wine and virgins.

'If you point me in the right direction, I will lead the way.'

Could be worse.

'I used to be all messed-up on drugs. Now I'm all messed-up on the Lord!' — Cheech & Chong

Rach_Rachh19 🤣🤣🤣

I wonder if the guy in the photo will ever see this...

the picture should be a former party girl who is aging out of her lifestyle, now found Jesus and ready to find a “nice” guy

Too poor to be courted by any of the Televangelists.

Lonely, depressed man looks to religion for comfort and propose. (This hit close)

Like the NFL Draft....but better.

Looks like he chose Methodist

Current odds have him choosing climate activism.

That's dark lol

rules at Judaism, LDS & Scientology due to the cover fees

'Who best to blame this life on...'

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