Transformers: Rise of the Beasts review – limp, lifeless robot sequel

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An attempt to revive the Hasbro franchise is a careless fumble put together without a hint of effort or interest

uring his tenure as chairman of the Statue of Liberty-Ellis Island Foundation, industrialist Lee Iacocca declared the small hunk of land off the coast of New Jersey a “symbol of reality” to Lady Liberty’s “symbol of hope”. A fitting gesture, then, that Ellis Island should be obliterated as collateral damage in the first hour of Transformers: Rise of the Beasts, in light of its deafening disregard for anything in the general galaxy of real.

Everything has a vague partial finish, as if director Steve Caple Jr and the five-person brain trust responsible for the script banked on the audience’s familiarity with the shape of a movie to fill in the gaps they’ve left. Noah used to be in the military, until he got fired or whatever, for being bad at teamwork or something.

The dashed-off servicing of IP – though the word “intellectual” has no place in this conversation – sets a low ceiling for itself, and doesn’t strain in attempting to reach it. The foregrounding of non-white characters, perhaps in an effort to erase the memory of jive-talking Autobot twins Skids and Mudflap, amounts to little more than platitudes about working twice as hard to go half as far, and one “is this racist?” joke too nonsensical to say anything at all.

Is this a mistake, or an inexplicable creative choice? Did no one at any point of the process notice this error in judgement, or did they conclude that none of this really matters? These bleak considerations hang over the latest and sweatiest bid to assemble a Hasbro Cinematic Universe, a brazen licensing gambit with the troubling implication that the content of these little-liked films counts for less than the broad shape of their existence, leaving no difference between having a thing to sell...

While scanning the haphazard, oppressively grey compositions onscreen, one will eventually notice that the Transformers have faces, yet lack expressions. Like the assorted critters of Disney’s unholy photorealistic remakes, no emotion animates these animated creations, a lack of spark unsettling until it turns plain depressing. Every trace of personality has been scrubbed from a series that could once claim the cold consolation of being bizarre in its badness.

 

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