I’ve Been Without Romantic Love for Decades. What I Do Have Is Debt.

voice in my head, buying things for myself, paying the bills when out with friends, never saying no when I couldn’t afford to do something, showboating, until debt became a way of getting through the month for necessities like traveling to work and the weekly food shop. Paying the minimum payment on huge credit balances and then spending back up to the limit.

A few years ago, I commissioned a ring from the jeweler Tessa Metcalfe. Poetry magazine had taken two of my poems, and I had shrieked with delight. They paid by the line, and it was more money than I’d ever made from my poetry. It was a different kind of spending, less about trying to create an image of myself that others would recognize as accomplished, secure, interesting, and more about giving myself a symbol to bring me back to myself.

If things proceed as I expect, I am going to see about a bicycle in Sept., then ​heigh-​ho! for the open road. I never get past my own nose, & I am sick of Shields & its sooty streets, & train rides are out of the question,—​too expensive. Just wait till I get a bike, I’ll show them!

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